My New Years Resolutions: Because Sharing Means Caring

New Year’s resolutions are a waste of time. 

If you want to do something like lose weight, stop smoking, or not violate your probation for 10 months, the first of the year should be inconsequential. Being that most of us have free will, last I checked, you can follow through with a resolution on any day of the year.

It’s not difficult to do either. About three months ago, I realized that my suits were getting tight on me, so what did I do? Gorge myself on cookies and Giant Food sheet cake (my absolute weakness) until the first of the year? No. I started to diet and jog THAT day. And guess what? Now I can fit into my suits. 

I know some things are harder to achieve than others, but seriously, why wait until the last day of the year to change. You can accomplish anything you want if you put your mind to it. I think I learned that from Captain Chesapeake or Mr. Wizard or something like that, but it’s true.

I’m not above anything, so in order to humor the concept, I’ve made a couple of super attainable New Year’s resolutions to make it seem like I’m accomplishing something throughout the year.

First, I resolve to talk more about how much I love reading without actually reading more. I hate reading, but you certainly can’t impress a woman on a date by saying that. I think it takes too long to read most books and, if they’re good enough, they’ll be turned into a movie that I can take in in less than 3 hours. See: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and the Harry Potter Series. Sure, I have books on my iPad, but do you know what get’s the majority of my usage time? It’s a toss up between NBA Jam and Pinball HD. If only my slam dunking skills impressed women...

Second, I resolve to pretend to be interested in this Presidential Election. I’m a comic who has a niche in politics, so I should be interested in what’s going on, but I’m not. The GOP has terrible candidates this time around and Obama is a weak President.  It’s like being forced to sit through a Pirates v. Orioles series. Both teams suck and it’s basically anybody’s game. I have to struggle to make it seem interesting. I would love to get in on the live tweeting of a debate, but I have better options. See above: Pinball HD on iPad.

Third, I resolve to pick a favorite NFL Team. I can’t seem to find one and no, I’m not a Ravens fan, even though I’m from Baltimore.  I WAS a Cowboys fan, but I don’t like Tony Romo, so that team is out. Then I was a Jets fan, but I stand by the Mets in baseball, which takes up my quotient of losers I can support. Now, I find myself in limbo.

Fourth, I resolve to maintain my strict dating policies wherein women who dress up their dogs, cats, or any other animal for birthdays, holidays, football games, etc. OR have a Facebook account for said pet are automatically kicked to the curb. It’s weird. 

Fifth, on a more serious note, I resolve to hold a huge fundraiser for my former High School, Lansdowne High School within the next year or so. As my career starts to take off and I tour around the country this year, I really want to give back to the community that gave me who I am. I want to have a huge comedy show in the auditorium to raise money for whatever program needs it there and I want to show the kids that you can come from Lansdowne and go anywhere you want to in the world.

And finally, I resolve to keep being awesome. Everyone should do this, and if you aren’t awesome yet, make yourself awesome. I can’t help you with the how, but I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  t could be as simple as deleting your dog’s Facebook account so as to stop being a weirdo. 

For me, it involves little things like continuing submit my ex-girlfriends’ names to Wendy Goldband to be the ‘Pet of the Week’ at the Baltimore Humane Society and avoiding the urge to attend Pajama Story time at the local library to meet single moms. Oh yeah and that Live Tweeting thing needs to keep going too.