Date: 20 September 2011

From: United States Office of Homeland Security

To:   All Users

Re:  Heightened Threat of “Cyber-Terrorist Attack” (Alert Level: Plaid)

By now you have heard all the commercials selling certificate programs at America’s colleges and universities in the emerging field of “cyber-security.”

When we found out what cyber-security was, we freaked out around here, frankly. This wasn’t anything like exploding underwear, poofy hairdos, swaddled babies, or a shampoo bottle filled with vodka. You couldn’t just wave a metal detector around people’s genitalia and be done with it.

This was a credible and serious threat to the well being of our homeland. In addition to a hellacious moneymaker for all those colleges and universities.

So we got right on it.

We discovered that a “cyber-terrorist event” is no joke; it could take down our entire Internet-power-grid-data-cell-phone-text-message-network thingie. That means, at the very minimum, no more Netflix and sushi deliveries.

How will you, the average citizen, know if a “cyber-terrorist event” happens—as opposed to your ordinary network sluggishness, hard drive crashes, or slow high-speed Internet access connection?

We will tell you, that’s how you’ll know. So pay attention.

When the Plaid Alert goes out—probably via U.S. First Class Mail by that point—please take the following steps immediately:

1.   Close your browser.

2.   Quit your applications.

3.   Clear your caches.

4.   Empty your trash.

5.   Delete your profile.

6.   Poke all your friends.

7.   Refresh your webpage.

8.   Clear your history.

9.   Customize your toolbars.

10. Export your bookmarks.

11. Zoom in.

12. Zoom out.

13. Burn your CDs.

14. “Unlike” all wall posts.

15. Tag your photos.

16. “Friend” your enemies.

17. Color your “easter eggs.”

18. Eat your cookies.

19. Force quit.

20. Log off.

And finally,

21. Power down.

Reboot as needed.

And, as always, if you see anything suspicious—drop us a postcard.